Fuyuki Church: A letter's arrival

Rider pulled a blanket up to Kirei's shoulders. "You should just rest for now, at least until you feel back in shape. That shouldn't be too long, right?"

She was about to chastise him for putting too much energy into being concerned, but as his last sentence trailed off and she saw him relax, she refrained. She hesitantly held out a hand and gently began to pet his head, taking a seat carefully next to her master on the bed. "Rider is correct. Just be still and recover, Master. When you are fully healed, then perhaps we can again attend to the Apostle. You fought very bravely. If not for the other master present, I'm sure you would have bested the vampire."
She was truly worried for her master, beyond the fact that if he died, it would make things even harder for her. He had seen much pain. She did not know if it was simply a symptom of being a servant, or her personal feelings, but she wanted him to win this war. If only it would bring him a small amount of joy in victory.

Kirei groaned as Archer patted him on the head. He was embarrassed at first, but relaxed and let it happen.

"Understood. I appreciate the support," he said.

He truly did appreciate it, but...

Archer was a loyal and kind ally, and he was relieved that she paid so much attention to him. He should feel such joy in being served by such a woman. But, he didn't.

Relief and appreciation, he felt. But, there was still no joy in his heart. Only an empty, sick pit in his stomach.

He tried to relax more. "The night had not been a total loss," he said aloud. "Saber is dead; the Einzberns crippled. Your abilities have exceeded my expectations." He paused. "Thank you."

He closed his eyes and focused on the mana welling up in him. It would take him half a day to recover, but that would be okay. The next opportunity to take out the Dead Apostle wouldn't come until the next night.

Atalanta waited with him until he fully recovered, recovering her own mana, and fetching him anything that he might need. Though mostly he slept, and eventually she felt it pull on her as well. Being raised by non humans, physical contact was important (though not outside of family and a certain age). Eventually, of course, she had learned more human ways of interaction. Deep down though, she felt a pull towards physical touch for those who were hurt or sick. A small cold runt could snuggle into the pile of it's larger siblings. A mother who had just lost a cub could lay and grieve and be comforted by the close touch of her remaining children.

As a servant, it was her duty to help this man who had lost much. She carefully climbed into the bed on his less injured side and pressed close to him, one leg overlapping his just a little. She gently pulled his head towards her to rest against her chest and gave him a small kiss on the top of the head before drifting off to sleep herself. The smell of battle, sweat, and blood drifted into her subconcious as her nose was nestled into his hair. It was oddly comforting, like a mother or sibling back from the hunt. Hopefully, this would be able to help him recover from more of his unseen injuries.

Visions flashed past slowly, melding one into another.

A ten-year-old Kirei stood next to his father, in the center of a large cathedral. An older man, in red robes stood before him, most likely a cardinal. Both he and Risei were beaming down at him.

"The youngest Executor in the history of the Church," the cardinal said to his father. "You should be proud."

And Risei was proud. It was the greatest honor a boy of his age could accomplish. He should have been happy. Instead, he felt nothing.

Risei was not a mage, nor did he come from a mage family. But when his son was born, shortly after Christmas, he was gifted with Magic Circuits from the divine sacrament. "Kirei." A word of prayer. He was named such so that he would be pure and beautiful.

Kirei never understood beauty. He finally realized it one morning, when he was 17. He simply woke up, raised his head, and knew in that moment that he was incapable of seeing beauty the same way his father did. He was not in accordance with the world. He was flawed.

Kirei's dragged the knife along his forearm, cutting deep. Deeper. He cut away the flesh, splattering the floor with his blood. It hurt. It hurt so bad. But, he had to do it. Cut, then heal, then cut again. He grabbed his wrist with one hand and wrench hard, dislocating his shoulder. It hurt so bad, but he had to do it.

He was a sinner. He was broken. He had to punish himself. It was the only way to find balance.

When the physical torture could not bring him a sense of purpose, he had to turn to mental torture. He abstained from food, and water, and sleep. He pushed himself to the absolute limit, but still he would not change.

He never reached an epiphany. Instead, he arrived at a simple conclusion. He did not have the ability to feel happiness.

There was only one way to achieve salvation: through God. His father always told him that God forgives everything. So He should be able to save someone as broken as him. He attended the College of St. Ignacio. He skipped two grades, and became council president. He could have even become a cardinal before the age of 22. But he could find no purpose.

Why? Why?! If God hates evil, what was the purpose of him being born? Those with such deficiencies should not be born, yet there are beings that exist to be hated and die. Why?! What was his crime? What was his sin to deserve such an existence?

Anger welled up in his soul, a primal anger toward God. His reward for years of anguish and blind devotion was nothing. No salvation. Why?!

---

(This takes place in the morning of Day 3)
Kirei awoke with a start and a gasp. For a few seconds, he was dizzy, disoriented. But he quickly regained his senses. He was still in the basement, he was safe.

Another body was pressed against him, and he was somewhat surprised to see Archer pressed snugly against him.

She awoke just after him, but her instincts were sharper in a different way. Though her eyes were alive with energy she kept her body still until she determined there was no real threat. Simply a nightmare, it seemed. If she had not shared it, she would know by the expressions that had passed on her master's face. As she saw the suprise, though, she loosened the grip on her master and slowly rose up onto a forearm. At first, she almost went through the formality of apologizing for touching him without asking. But the dream...it was an elephant in the room that demanded discussion. After a few long moments, she finally spoke, " I...don't think that you were searching in the right place..." she took another moment to collect her thoughts. " I'm sure it isn't my place to say, but there must be some reason I've been allowed to glimpse these moments of your life, and so I feel compelled to comment on them. Forgive me."

Kirei was silent for a long time, laying still on the bed. He still felt uncomfortable to have someone intruding on his past. But...

Perhaps there was a reason for it. Atalanta was different than other women. She was loyal, and pure. Being Greek, she was by no means a woman of God, but if she were... He had little doubt that God would love her.

"If God cannot give me what I search for, where else do I look?" he muttered. "God is supposed to forgive all sinners. I have no purpose. No reason for my existence."  He paused for a moment, then raised his arm, gazing at the two remaining Command Spells on his hand.

"When Caren died, I gave up looking for salvation. Then, these appeared. I was selected to win the Holy Grail. But, why? I have no wish for it to grant. I have no reason to reach it. I only fight because my Father wishes for it." He clutched his hand into a fist. "Why did it select me?"

"The Gods-God is not responsible for your salvation by himself." she said, smiling softly and laying a hand on his. " If you truly believe that God is watching over you, and is where you would look to happiness, then perhaps...he is trying to tell you that to really be happy, you must fulfill your life with something else." she thought for a few more moments. "I think that your God knows you are a faithful and loyal servant of his. He does not want you to use your time in pursuit of salvation, because you are already saved. You have been trying to attain something that you already have, and because you already have it, you make no gains. You feel no emotions to accomplish something you have already accomplished. I think this is the reason for the despondence and neutrality inside of you."

Kirei looked deep into Atalanta's eyes. "Something I've already accomplished, you say." He closed his eyes.

"Caren said the same thing."

He remembered his wife laying on her death bed. He had tried to love her. She even bore his child. And Caren tried to convince him that he loved her. She dedicated her last years into serving him, to fill the void in his heart.

Even when she was sickly, she was a saint to him. Her faithfulness and understanding he never questioned. She understood him and tried to heal him, but it never filled the void within him. In fact, the more she tried to cure him, the more empty he felt.

When she passed away, he felt tears running down his face. She died thinking that he was crying over her death. But that wasn't why he was crying.

When he opened his eyes again, they were full of bitterness. "It is utter nonsense."

She smirked at him. He would try to have an attitude with her? It was time to chase her cub away. "You think your soul is so void. It is not. Look how bitter you are. Just because you didn't love a good person does not make you a sinner or a monster. Just because you don't find happiness in the same things others have does not make you broken. You have achieved much, but not for yourself. You have not chosen your own path, and you are bitter of that. It seems to be something that you refuse to see."

She returned her smirk with a cold stare. What would she know about his soul? What would she know about the paths he'd walked?

He was palpably irritated, but at the same time, couldn't help but feel a grudging respect. Atalanta reminded him of his wife, but she wasn't exactly naive. She wasn't so much trying to cure him as whip him into shape.

Even so, he didn't see the point. He had punished himself enough and had no success.

"I walked the path of righteousness," he said hesitantly. "I gave myself to God, to my father, to my wife, but gained nothing. The only joy I ever found was..." He stopped. He turned his head away. "I find no pleasure in moral pursuits. I have only immorality."

She thought for a moment, processsing his statements, " Are you saying that there are immoral things that you enjoy? "

He scrutinized her expression, trying to decide how much to say. Atalanta was a pure woman, surely she would not approve of such things.

"If there were," he said. "It would make me a sinner. I should be a man of God."

She sighed. " I am only trying to help you master. I do not personally care if you are a man of God, past that not being so hurts you. I believe in the divine, I believe in my own pantheon. I have seen them. They have protected me when I needed it. However, knowing that there are other religions, I simply accept that they must exist too...either way, that's not the point. The point is, I will not be frightened of your sins. From my perspective, they might not even be sins." she was firm, but tried to remain assuring. She did not want to anger him into leaving the discussion, but she wanted to be clear that he did not have to live the way he was living. A certain amount of steadfastness was necessary to defend one's position in a debate.

Kirei considered her words. All he had ever known was the Church, and God. He'd never really thought about other religions. The Greek pantheon in particular had many... moral grey areas.

She wouldn't be frightened of his sins? Somehow, he highly doubted that. But, now he was intrigued. She was baiting him.

He sat up slightly. "An interesting viewpoint. However, I imagine in any religion, one would be considered a sinner if they find joy from suffering."

" There can be no joy without suffering. They are both necessary things. Please, share more with me. I want to know. Even if I judge you, what does it matter? Soon, whether we win or lose, I will be gone and you won't have to worry about my opinion." She had her own stories to share, her own opinions on good and evil in the world. Not to mention she was ridiculously curious.

Kirei felt a different emotion welling up within him. Not quite joy or satisfaction, but some kind of eagerness. He would be crossing a line if he said anymore. His life depended on this woman; nothing short of a Command Spell would protect him if she turned on him.

But, for better or worse, perhaps an end to his suffering wasn't the worst outcome. Besides, he didn't truly have a wish for the Grail, but he had to know how this interesting woman would react.

"Caren believed her death would bring sadness to me, and she smiled when she saw me crying. I was indeed filled with sadness, not because Caren had died, but because I had not killed her myself." He stared hard at her, judging her reaction. "Do you understand? The kinder she was to me, the more she devoted herself to me, the more I wanted to see her suffer."

She couldn't help but chuckle. This poor man. Christianity had deluded him into this horrible existence. Though it did depend on how you looked at it, what with the existence of the devil. "Kirei..." her eyes floated to the ceiling as she tried to put her words together. Eventually she locked them back onto his. "Divinity is not solely the territory of the good. If suffering is what pleases you, then it's what pleases you! Even the most good and kind creatures cause suffering. Someone beautiful and pure can cause someone without those qualities to feel jealousy and pain. Even Caren, who wanted so badly to help you, only hurt you." She lay a hand on his stomach, " In your pantheon, I would say, God needs your devil. Without evil, there would be no good, and we can't all be good."

Kirei was floored. He blinked several times as he tried to process her words. He sat up and fully faced her.

"You say God needs my devil?" he started. He gritted his teeth and furrow his brow. "No."

He abruptly stood up from the table. "You might find this acceptable in your faith, but not in mine. My duty is to vanquish evil!" Anger built up stronger and stronger within him. "Asking me to accept that truth is asking me to cast aside everything I've worked towards my entire life!"

He stopped and looked down at his clenched fist, which bore the Command Spells. Why? Why had he been given the Command Spells? He had no wish for the Holy Grail. What did the Holy Grail want from him?

His heart wavered. "Evil is something to be eliminated. This is something I've always taken to be the truth." He averted his gaze form his Servant. "What... point is there in a being that can only derive joy from the suffering of others?"

[[Archer can feel his conviction starting to waver...]]

She sat up on the bed. He needed confidence to see the truth, so she would not fully stand, to symbolically let him feel more powerful. " Kirei, what other explanation is there? Why would you want the suffering of others if that was not your express purpose? How could a just god allow this? By your own beliefs, he controls all, yes? Therefore this is also under his control and must be his purpose. Life MUST be balanced. A person MUST be balanced to thrive and grow. We cannot go and eliminate all the evil that exists because then there will be no contrast. Hades had worshippers just as Zeus did. There is room for people like you in the world." She took his clenched fist in her hands, running fingers along his command spells. " Is a wolf feasting on a deer evil? No. It is just it's instinct. It is nature, Kirei. Let yourself feel joy in whatever form it comes. Your unbalance will be your undoing. You cannot continue like this."

Kirei looked down at her hands and considered her words. 'How could a just god allow this' had been a question he'd asked himself many times. And he still hadn't found an answer. And if he followed his teachings were correct, then he truly shouldn't exist.

The Holy Grail chose him for a reason. Was this it? Was it to find his purpose?

"If my purpose is to bring suffering to others..." He sighed. "I don't know. It goes against all my teachings. But if there is a reason for my existence... perhaps that was why I was selected."

He considered the image of a wolf feasting on a deer. It was the wolf's instinct to kill, to destroy another.

He looked back up into her eyes. "Atalanta... I don't know if i can accept it. But there is wisdom in your words." The words stuck in his throat as he tried to say them. "Perhaps, with you beside me..." he said in a slow, measured tone. "I might find the truth."

" I will always be beside you, no matter the path you choose. Just try your best to keep an open mind. If you have been living by one set of rules, and they haven't been working for you, then...perhaps new standards are in order?" She patted the bed and pulled him down. "Either way, you should still reserve your energy. I still have ingredients for Miso soup. I do not know if it is a proper breakfast food, but would you like some?"

He looked uncertainly down at the bed, then laid down awkwardly. "I will give it some thought," he said. "And I would not object to some Miso soup."

"Then I will prepare it for you." she smiled and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead, happy that she was able to aid him through this difficult process. Her tail swayed happily as she made her way to the kitchen.

"Thank you." Kirei watched her go, his eyes lingering on her swaying tail. He laid back and let himself fully relax. It would take some time to prepare healing spells. He closed his eyes. Perhaps he'd take a short nap while she prepared breakfast.